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A Replacement Child’s Journey to Healing
- Barbara Jaffe Ed. D
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Welcome to Healing From Within. Your host Sheryl Glick author of The Living Spirit Answers for Healing and Infinite Love a tale of spiritual awakening healing energies miracles and ways to find your inner self which is worthy of love and holds infinite possibilities for success and is delighted to welcome Barbara Jaffe author of When Will I Be Good Enough? The book is about helping replacement children understand and accept their own challenged journeys through Barbara revealing her own difficult childhood as a replacement child for a brother who had died. We explore the wounds that all children face when transparency openness and often love is missing in their family life
Listeners of this show are well aware our guests and I share intimate stories which offer a view of the Universal Laws of Energy which when understood and utilized help us merge our spiritual and physical lives to create beautiful fulfilling lives of joy and happiness despite the hardships of our childhood traumas and wounds. Sheryl as an intuitive healer/medium has shared so many sorrows and suffering due to the loss of a child for her clients, but has never discussed the topic of a replacement child. All parents feel sad and traumatized by the loss of the child and their own feelings of failure. Their hopes for healing their marriages and family with the addition of another child are already compromised as only love brings love, and fear brings fear. Until we understand the Law of Attraction and the dynamics of energy we are at a loss to conquer the lower vibrations and emotions that cause so much damage.
In today’s episode of “Healing From Within” Barbara Jaffe who is an English professor and current Fellow in UCLA’s Department of Education and was honored as Outstanding Woman of the Year and Distinguished Teacher of the Year will share her journey and difficulties as a replacement child many of whom are often thought of as “less than” by comparison to the lost child. We will hopefully remind ourselves how important it is to embrace and love each child just as they are without comparison or expectations, but simply to nurture and help them develop confidence and self-esteem to guide them through challenges by feeling the complete support of their parents family and others.
Barbara gives the definition of a replacement child and the implications of her own experiences as a replacement child. The traditional definition of a replacement child is a child born after the death of another child in the family. The new baby was intentionally conceived to replace the child that was lost. Often the family had not anticipated having another child until this tragic loss. However, the acknowledged characteristics of a replacement child often lend themselves to other children whose lives have been affected by an alcoholic, a depressed parent or emotionally detached parent, or an abusive parent. In other words most children in one way or another reflect the wounds and emotional traumas of their parents and ancestors.
Sheryl says…those conditions just mentioned would apply to almost every family, as there are no perfect people or families, and in our modern day society so many natural and spiritual approaches to healing and appreciating life have been replaced by a materialistic minded technological society which adds to and promotes addictions psychosomatic emotional and physical illnesses. So what we are talking about here relates to all families and how they are relating to their children.
In my book The Living Spirit in regard to this thought I wrote…”After realizing that my life was the result of my choices as well as the result of the Divine plan we are born with, I have surrendered many of my illusionary fears and asked Spirit to direct and guide me towards the fulfillment of my spiritual purpose. Of course I like others still possess human frailties and at times have misinterpreted thoughts. However, I hope to continue in small increments to develop unconditional love for others without expectations. Doesn’t every human heart seek love without judgment? When we can accept each other with our earthly limitations, without wanting to change, fix or blame each other, then a greater sense of peace and freedom will be established.
Through the pain of loss we might discover or reawaken to the force of life that is eternal and know that nothing is ever loss just transformed or transmuted to other realms or dimensions of life. Those who believe we are more than our bodies and that life exists beyond the physical surely have an easier time dealing with the loss of a child than those who do not know this truth, as they know the energy and love of that child are around them and they will see them again down the road. That is the gift of faith and trust in a Divine plan.
Barbara tells us that her brother Jeffrey was almost two when he died before she was even born, yet his short life affected her profoundly. Yes it is incredible to think that a toddler’s short life and tragic death could affect her own life and that of the family so profoundly and for so long. Barbara writes, “I think sadly my mother was never able or allowed to healthily grieve for the loss of her child. I am told the story that soon after Jeffrey’s death the doctor came to the house and my grief stricken mother was lying depressed in the bed. He literally slapped her across her face and told her to get over it. He reminded her she already had another child and told her to have another. This flippant and abusive attitude along with the culture of the 1950’s only increased her anxiety and the inability to have the time and therapy to deal with the loss of her baby. Ironically my brother’s short life didn’t affect me as much as his death and the implied messages not to talk about him while growing up. While my father wanted to share his memories of Jeffrey, my mother did not. Along with photographs of Jeffrey in various rooms around the house, I still felt the silent presence of his loss throughout my childhood and young adulthood.
Sheryl grew up with parents much like Barbara’s and the secrecy and fear that permeated the culture of the fifties with parents who suffered through World War 11 and their parents who suffered from the financial depression before that were traumatized and fearful and that fear tarnished their hopes for living the American dream as perhaps, another tragedy might be right around the corner. Barbara’s mother might have felt a personal sense of failure as mothers in that time were mainly devoted to family and children and their thoughts and efforts were concentrated on the home while the fathers had their work and careers.
While Barbara’s mother rarely talked about Jeffrey and offered little information her father on the other hand was happy to talk about him and even showed the last set of movies taken of him the Christmas of 1952 four months before he died. Barbara’s father answered every question asked about him. He even shared Jeffrey’s baby book whose last sad entry was made by my father. Her mother never looked at the book.
Sheryl asks Barbara if she thought her mom or dad had any spiritual idea of consciousness surviving physical death or the concept of an afterlife. The reason she asks that question is because she feels it is much harder for those who do not understand the Universal Concepts of Energy and that each life has a time to begin and time to end. There is no punishment or blame attached, just destiny. Life never really ends as all we are energy beings and energy or consciousness can never be destroyed. As a medium Sheryl has shared so many wonderful messages of beauty and love from Spirit that awakens people to an awareness of their own soul essence and to their loved ones in Spirit who often surround them, and also to the need we all have to embrace “all that is” and know nothing is random. We can and must allow accept and surrender to the Big Plan in order to find meaning purpose love and any semblance of moving past the wounds and traumas of this physical life and a three dimensional reality.
When Will I Be Good Enough? is a book that is relevant to readers who are not replacement children. Anyone who has grown up with issues that have limited them from reaching their full potential will recognize that the internalized patterns from childhood regardless of birth order or family dynamics, color their choices and decisions, until they recognize they no longer need to abide by other people’s impressions and values and learn to let go, and begin to create new ways to flourish following their own dreams and hopes. It is quite common for siblings raised by the same parents to have different accounts memories and perspectives of events in their family life. No two people’s perceptions are the same. We all process the outside world through the lens of our own emotions and memories.
Sheryl Says..” As unique beings we come into life with a soul wisdom and many past experiences and learn from our choices no matter the result, to create something in a new and more refined way than perhaps was experienced in another time and place. Therefore all experiences are valuable as we are improving our soul’s energy and essence.…it doesn’t matter how long or short a life is for it was in that soul’s life plan to end in the way and time that it did. Perhaps when someone dies it also serves to help another soul to accomplish their proposed destiny. Therefore the passing may be seen as a gift from one soul to another to allow them to accomplish and do something good that is needed for that soul’s journey. So Jeffrey’s early passing offered your parents and brother challenges that may have been necessary in their life and soul development.
Through Sheryl’s observation of twin siblings she has been able to see how common it is for siblings to develop very different perspectives on life. In her book The Living Spirit she refers to twins having different soul destinies and wrote, “ One day as I sat on a lovely beach in Maine with my grandchildren I suddenly noticed two women standing several feet away and to my left. With them were two teenage girls that appeared to be their daughters. The women looked so very much alike and I called out to them and asked if they were twins. They said that they were. However, it was immediately apparent—even from a distance—that one was energetically much older than the other. I walked closer to them to continue talking and noticed that the woman who appeared older had a scar on her chest. She soon disclosed to me that that she had several surgeries and radiation therapy for cancer….I realized as I observed the twin sisters that while they were identical physically, their life choices and probably their energetic or soul influences were very different. As a result of the needs and development of their souls, their physical lives, health, relationship experiences and their spiritual awareness, their souls’ life plans were distinctly different.
Brothers and sisters of chronically ill siblings as well as those in blended families (step and half) can have similar issues to those of replacement children and, can flourish despite his/her placement. Barbara shares with us and writes,” Brothers and sisters of ill siblings can experience similar issues to those of replacement children. Even if the ill child recovers those healthy children are affected by the parent’s focus on their ill sibling especially if the child is hospitalized. Again, these are unforeseen tragic circumstances that cannot be helped yet other children are forever changed by their parents fears and experience. I think a healthy honest discussion of the situation can go for a long way in helping the remaining healthy child/children cope with the changes in the family. Even children who are suddenly blended into a family due to divorce and or remarriage or those born from a new union can experience issues related to those experienced by replacement children especially when children are compared to others and goals and expectations by parents challenging to the children. Of course the good news is that all children can flourish despite being born to replace a child or experiencing their ill sibling recover or pass away. In addition children of divorce and remarriage can also do quite we.. We can all have good and wonderful lives. To do that we must accept our challenging unique experiences and grow from them instead of viewing our selves blaming ourselves as victims of circumstances. It is indeed our attitude and choice to move past sorrow and not succumb to suffering needlessly and endlessly.”
Barbara’s unique experiences as a replacement child impacted her own parenting style. A legacy of minimal self-confidence and her extreme desire to please definitely affected her parenting. She often doubted her decisions when in retrospect they were generally fine. She felt that other mothers knew how to parent better than she even when this wasn’t true. It was as if she had no natural motherhood blueprint to internalize yet kept searching and trying and working so hard. She fell short of her own expectations because they were impossibly high. She lived with a tremendous amount of self-imposed guilt wondering what she could do differently to make her children happier or better. When she wasn’t working she felt as if she was with them too much and thought that this was negatively affecting them. When she worked she felt she should be home with them. She spent undo emotional energy and felt extreme inner turmoil. Barbara often felt tormented by her own thoughts. Basically she carried within her the belief that she wasn’t a good enough mother. It took her years to realize that this was erroneous thinking. Of course she loved her children and did her best as most of us do
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Sheryl says, “As a young mother even though I had been an elementary teacher I felt totally unprepared for the very challenging job. In retrospect and because of how life has unfolded for me personally I realize now that our soul has a unique life plan and we as our children must develop and find our own path. Children do not define us and we cannot define our children. From the beginning my son and my daughter were very different in their response to what I tried to do with fairness and similar intent for each of them. Their responses and perceptions might have not realized that I had the same love for both. From within their soul remembrances and individual needs to explore and improve life in their own way they simply saw me and my behaviors differently . I had little to do with many of the things that challenged them though I thought all their issues were part and parcel of my parenting practices. Of course at that time I was unaware that as spiritual beings having a physical life we had to make sense of our own experiences and choices that would refine our emotions. I remembered and recognized that my own parents had intervened little when I was young and allowed me to flow through emotional states often resolving them myself and not encouraging a state of victimhood or putting too much attention on negative behavior and I tried to do the same with my children. I believe we can be an example for our children without imposing our will or controlling their interests as so many parents…”Helicopter parents” always on top of them, are doing in today’s society. Let’s learn to leave judgment out of the equation for parenting and just muddle through it with good intentions. Just love them and listen to them and let them be in their own intuitive state of learning and growing. Sheryl feels that the greatest thing a parent or teacher can do for their children is to encourage self-development and love of self through approval for their interests. It is also wise not to encourage excessive competition which sets up an environment that often leads to failure self doubt and negativity which could eventually lead to emotional and physical health issues.”
Barbara describes her own path of discovery and how she “Put yourself back together” despite feeling “less than”
Barbara wrote, “Over the years I spent countless hours reading self-help books. I had my own therapy with different therapists, two wonderful caring individuals who guided me to my own realizations and breakthroughs. They also validated me and helped me work through my own insecurities. The voice of insecurity became more of a whisper of my inner strength of perseverance and determination to become whole again, become stronger. I was willing to examine the pieces of myself that were “off” that made me uncomfortable and the elements of my life that could make me happier and serene with diligence. I wanted for myself what I saw in others—the ability to go through life without feeling as if I were walking in quicksand. I did not give up. I processed my thoughts on paper and worked through Julia Cameron’s The Artists Way which provided a guided course in reflective writing. I took myself on two one-on-one writing and spiritual retreats that also helped me focus on my own growth and needs.
Barbara hopes that readers are inspired by her story, a story of a woman who worked hard to grow out of her perceived limitations. Most of all, in reading her story, she hopes readers will be able to see themselves—to connect perhaps to some element of their lives where they might have felt less than or not enough. It’s important to acknowledge that we all walk with something—we all have issues that can limit our potential our happiness and most important our serenity if we allow them to. With reflection and diligence, we can achieve an enriched joyful life. Life is joyful despite our challenges.
Barbara Jaffe author of When Will I Be Good Enough shares remarkable insights into the challenges of self-doubt and fear, of being less than perfect whether a replacement child or simply a human being thrown into the complexity of life within the framework of constant emotional changes challenges and the expectations of so many perspectives. It is indeed the challenge we all face.
In summarizing today’s episode of Healing from Within we have discussed one of the most challenging experiences a family and child may go through .. That is the loss of a child and then replacement of that child with another child so the family might heal and go forward to create a new life.
As a medium Sheryl has experienced the pain of families as well as the joyful messages of love renewal and afterlife their loved ones convey in their energy messages suggesting that life does go on, learning goes on, and all experiences are neither good nor bad, just experiences that provides our souls to advance in greater compassion and love. This knowledge encourages us to allow accept and surrender to life’s many challenges and to begin to move past sorrow pain guilt blame anger and disillusionment as a result of loss or tragedy. The mind and physical life look for answers and expect that suffering is necessary, but life unfolds for each child and each person as planned long before our physical incarnation. We have a time to come and to go. Trust in that truth and know that in Spirit we will find our loved ones with a smile on their face and great gratitude in their hearts for the love we had for them in life. Sheryl hopes you may be blessed with this enlightening awareness and begin to find peace and joy in life here and beyond.
Barbara and I would have you know beyond the shadow of a doubt you were born with a magnificent unique spirit and are one of a kind and are INDEED good enough from the beginning, so you only have to remind yourself of that on a daily basis and love the gift of YOUR life.
